GTA
General Discussion To Gateway To Airguns => Back Room => : JOHNNY QUEST December 05, 2009, 02:02:09 AM
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I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' habanero road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Buzzards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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Randall, although your exploits were very funny, I do not think the ladies here on the GTA would think it is funny.. Let me give you some advice. You can buy charcoal filtered Depends at Wall Mart for those days you choose to step out and away from close distance of a public restroom. These will help filter out the pungent order and capture any residue that may be expelled. Please Randall use better judgement when making posts like this. Gene
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well excuse me Gene... I thought I might just give a few folks a laugh...
I'll pick up my toys now and go home..(http://../jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif)
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You know I love you Randall...:) Just get some Depends at Wall Mart. They come in packs of 10....:)
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I think I'm past the worst of it now ,,, but thank you anyways...
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Damn, Randall, give a guy some warning next time! I was spraying coffee out of my nose and falling out of my chair, I was laughing so hard. Been there, done that pal, only for me, it's curry. I love it, but no one else within nose shot loves me when I've been eating it ;-)! And just tell the bozos at Lowe's that their store most likely needed repainting anyway, and you did them a favor by accelerating the schedule. Later.
Dave
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Randal, I had my wife read this to me and we were both laughing.
Very well written. It was a very good cautionary tail/tale.
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Hey Randall,
I have experienced episodes like your ounce or twice in my life, but have never recounted them to very many people, not even in the hunting camps !!!!
I believe that there is a carrier in journalism waiting for you, perhaps children's books !
I would either cool down your recipe, or wait until the known effects have passed before venturing beyond your property limits when eating such a combustible and devastating mixture !
I'm happy that you survived the adventure, but what if someone lit a match ! OH MY !
By the way, could I have a copy of your recipe ? :o
Bill
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OH YEAH!!! That is THE funniest thing I've read in a while now!
BRAVO!!!
BTW... I like rippin one or 2 at the grocery and walking to the end of the isle and watching people walk into the "Cloud" . GREAT Fun!!!
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Randall now owe's me a new keyboard mine is now full of coffee !!!!!!!!!!!!! my two
chihuhua's think i've lost it,my son came from next door to see what the commotion was all about.AIN"T had a laugh like this in a long time ! lol
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Great one! ( Glad I wasn't drink any coffee when I read it )
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Darn funny story Randal, good luck down there. Here are some recommendations.
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:o :0 :) :D :p :0 hehehehe. Ed
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Quit BS'ing breaux. You know plain ole air does that to you. That's why I put a vent fan in the double wide deer stand....
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Randal, You need this -- Toot Tones (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbpEQbvskGg)